TRY SYNERGISM

Sometimes I’m giving one of my highly regarded business-oriented motivational synergistic super-spectacles and even as I’m energetically running across the stage and yelling SLOGANS FOR SUCCESS, I start to wonder: why?

Why am I wasting my valuable time sharing—at such a ridiculously low price—all of this amazing wisdom and knowledge about how to succeed and influence people and be one of the ELITE RULING CLASS? Most of you don’t deserve it: the only reason you’re here is because your company thought it would somehow behoove you to become less of a loser; they left this nearly insurmountable task in my carefully manicured and incredibly deft hands. I’m supposed to take you, an ugly and lumpy pile of blotchy clay, and somehow transform you into a sparkling and prosperous diamond. This is hard because clay never changes into diamonds so I basically have to be a goddamn self-improvement wizard. Luckily for you, that’s exactly what I am.

Forget about the fact that your company pays three times your annual salary for one of my hour-long seminars. Never mind that the suit I’m wearing as I yell in your face is worth more than your car plus another three thousand dollars probably. Try to ignore the idea that I’ve slept with more women than you’ve ever spoken with. This paragraph doesn’t have a point aside from the fact that I’m awesome.

When I’m dishing out all this wonderful advice, the crowd usually blends into a big sea of cattle with big stupid unblinking eyes and a quiet despair. By treating you like livestock/numbers, I can more efficiently dictate the principles of Synergism! because I can focus on what’s really important: what I’m doing for dinner. Will I go to the most expensive restaurant in town, or go slumming and hit up the second most expensive restaurant? You’ve probably never heard of either of them so I’m not even mentioning their names—you’ll get turned away at the door and I don’t want you to feel any worse than you already do. There’s already enough blood on my hands (although that has more to do with deflowering all those virgin supermodels).

If you’ve read this far, congratulations! You’re canny enough to realize the difference between random Internet ramblings and solid and provable wisdom. You still might not understand the point of this post however, so I’ll spell it out for you: in order to be the best, you have to be better than everyone else. If you’re lucky, you live in a city I’ll never visit.

Should you want me, I might be unavailable for a little while: I’m thinking about going into space to hang out with some astronauts.

I’ve recently been in a creative lull. Unless you count my stupid and frequent tweets or my rambling posts over at Every Game Ever, I’m basically not writing anymore, which is worrying me. Curiously, I often find my motivations—or lack thereof, in this case—hard to understand. I’m a fairly introspective person, but occasionally it appears that there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to “give up the goods,” such as it is, and let me know what’s going on. Read that again: apparently I don’t want to tell me what I’m thinking. What a jerk!

On the plus side, I actually bothered using proper em dashes for this post, so there’s that I guess! I’ll try to do that from now on—but I make no promises. Not even to myself, since I’m not listening to me anyway.

In other “news,” I’ve been editing segments for another episode of Random Gentlemen, but it’s taking a while since we’re not very funny and I have to listen to Gavin ramble about home ownership for about 20 minutes. MORE LIKE FIXED RATE BORING, GAVIN! (Don’t worry, Gavin never reads this because he’s too busy drafting copies of rules systems for various nerd games and screaming at the ignorant children.)

I bet my lack of creative output will only worsen as the weather improves and I’m outside kicking sand in people’s faces. Which way to the beach? *flexes muscles*

I wrote a short story on Twitter and figured I’d repost it here.

The canyon walls echoed the rhythmic beat of hooves and the red ground rumbled. Birds, cowards of the sky, jumped to yellow-bellied flight.

Kilroy Hunter and James Seiker rode quick past the canyon into the lonely town of Jumper’s Creek. There was no creek, only dust. And death.

These men hunted for bounty and danger (and whiskey). Where they walked, bullets fell. Dismounted, empty streets pattered with horse sweat.

Like fallen scarecrows with pecked faces, bodies littered the streets. Black holes in white bone. “Happened here?” asked Hunter, spitting.

Seiker pointed a muddy glove to the centre of town. Old stone well crumbling in the noonday sun. “Well poisoned,” he said with a grimace.

“I know they’re well poisoned ya idjit,” said Hunter. “But how?” He ambled to the well and began to draw up the dripping bucket. “Parched.”

Bucket went spinning to the ground as pistol holstered. “Well’s poisoned,” said Seiker. “There ain’t no else dumb ‘nough to be my partner.”

“None ugly ‘nough to be mine,” said Hunter, smiling yellow and gold. “Let’s look about and see if we can’t find a neck for justice.”

They walked and something chewed on Hunter’s mind. Well water. Dust. The sun was too hot and constant for thinking clear. He needed water.

Seiker unfurled a poster that said “Wanted Dead or Alive: Crimes McCarthy.” “Name like that,” said Seiker, “Who can blame him? McCarthy!”

A dull thud and a whinny behind them. Seiker’s horse had dropped to the dust and lay still. “Weak beast,” spat Seiker. “No mind, let’s go.”

They stalked the streets, trying to match a face to a poster. Crows had been feasting for at least a few hours. It was grisly work. Hot sun.

Saloon doors swung inward to the music of buzzing flies. “There, by the piano player,” said Hunter, his dusty gloved finger straight out.

In that room full of corpses they found Crimes McCarthy. Dead of poison like the rest. Seiker brushed caked mud from his gloves and lifted.

As Seiker dragged McCarthy across the floor, a shot cracked into his spine and he crashed screaming. “Why’dja do it, Seiker?” asked Hunter.

“Bastard!” yelled Seiker, writhing. “Hunter, ya shot me! Why?” Hunter lit a cigar and glanced about. “Killed all these people, that’s why.”

“Your muddy gloves. Horse is dead tired. Ya rode here in the night and poisoned the well and now everyone’s dead. When ya go loco, Seiker?”

“I ain’t never gone no way, Hunter,” Seiker said, gasping for air. “I always been this way and you just too shit-stupid to notice. Always..”

Three men on one horse, two dead, one tired and sad. Jumper’s Creek a ghost town ruled by crows. Bullets scattered on the ground.

THE END.

For some reason Gavin insisted this wasn’t episode 3 because it “wasn’t funny enough,” but then where would we be? Without a podcast, that’s where. So now, it’s episode 2.5. Like it makes a difference, Gavin. Like it makes a difference.

It’s been far too long since we’ve polluted the Internet with our podcast waste, but it’s that time again! Look for episode 3 as soon as next week. Today’s episode is entitled “THE SCORE” and is full of harebrained ideas and demagoguery.

My e-pal reimero posted this link in IRC. I was originally going to comment on these things, but I think I’ll just put the list here in its entirety and let it speak for itself:

1. A virus can mutate (alter) the DNA code of the host cell and reproduce a new species. Does this prove evolution by mutation is true or does it show adaptation (variety) within a species?
2. How many shades of skin color are there? Use a paint scanner to test 100 people.
3. Make a computer model of the Flood currents.
4. Statistical occurrence of giants, and midgets and dwarfs and giantism. Use Princess Flo, Goliath, and brothers.
5. What can we learn from the Amish blood disease and sixth finger? Compare this to the half Jewish Samaritans. (Bob Helfinstine may have info on this).
6. Build and run studies on a strata forming wave tank. This would confirm or disprove strata are all laid down at the same time. See http://www.icr.org/newsletters/impact/impactoct00.html and video tape Evidences: The Record & the Flood from Geoscience Research .
7. Does Tanning leather affect C14 content and date?
8. How much voltage or current can a human take before he is killed? Could do experiments on a plant.
9. How much electricity does an eel put out?
10. What was life like before the Flood?
11. Make an experiment to show how Boyle’s law applies to nebula.
12. Trilobites prove Noah’s flood because they are curled up or not?
13. Do Lilydale closed clam fossils support a world wide flood? Collect 100 shells and compare.
14. Can salt water and fresh water fish live in the same water or not?
15. How long can flies survive freezing in a frig?
16. How can you tell if animals are color blind?
17. Does geography affect health?
18. Is intelligence influenced by physical attributes. i.e. are blondes “dumb” or does skin color influence intelligence?
19. Can a dog run a maze faster than a gerbil?
20. Why do we have allergies?
21. Does a bad mood spread?
22. Could a person function without thumbs? or What would it be like to not have thumbs?
23. Why do we have an Adams apple?
24. Why do we feel cold when it is 30 degrees in the Fall but in the February 30 degrees seems warm?
25. Does weather affect attitudes?
26. Is energy ever destroyed or created?
27. What happens to garbage in a land fill?
28. What makes an animal wild?
29. Why do some foods give you a stomach ache?
30. Why does the ocean appear blue but when it is in a bucket it is clear?
31. Why is the sky blue by day and black at night?
32. Why do we hiccup?
33. Why is hair thicker on the head than the rest of the body?
34. What are freckles and why do we have them?
35. Why does the Bible say there is one glory of the sun, one glory of the moon, and one glory of the stars?
36. Why is snow 6 sided?
37. Why does liquid water turn to a solid at 32 degrees F.?
38. Why can’t we see air?
39. Why does hair turn gray when we age?
40. Does sea currents affect climate?
41. Is everything, including non-living things, made of cells?
43. Does commercial feed, corn and grits, or range feed, increase egg production in chickens? What about other animals and feeds?
44. Why do trees have leaves?
45. How high can a model rocket fly?
46. Where are teeth stored?
47. What is the best way to care for teeth?
48. Is there a way for humans to get to Jupiter? Mars? etc.
49. How does friction work?
50. Why is blood blue in our veins but turns red when we are cut? If we are cut in a vacuum would the blood stay blue?
51. Why do we have finger nails?
52. What was the weather like before the Flood?
53. Were all the animals friendly to man before the Flood? Idea: raise several baby animals like snake and mouse together to see if they remain friends as they are older.
54. Why do they live longer before the Flood?
55. Why do only mammals have hair?
56. Why do plants and insects die in the Fall?
57. Why is chlorophyll green?
58. Why did God create the moon to control the tides?
59. What is color?
60. What is heat?
61. What is light? Do Young’s light experiments of 1800 which proves light is a wave. (see Space Medium, Barnes, 1986. p.126)
62. Why do plants give us oxygen?
63. What is electricity?
64. Why do we sleep at night? Do we have to sleep to rejuvenate the rods and cones in the eye?
65. What affects skin color? Is one color better than another? What was God’s purpose in this?
66. What color is our brain?
67. What is the fastest speed something can go?
68. Why is a dog’s nose wet?
69. Why do cats always land on there feet when they fall? Do other animals do this?
70. How do mice react after 24 hours of confinement? What about other animals?
71. How does soap clean?
72. What is God made of?
73. How does water turn into clouds?
74. What happens to eyes so you need glasses? Did God design them poorly?
75. What is plastic made out of?
76. Why do some people get allergic reactions?
77. How do we get headaches?
78. What is rubber made out of?
79. What are bones made out of?
80. Why did God make pests like bugs and mosquitoes?
81. Why are there joints and cracks in the earth’s crust?
82. Why do our joints crack?
83. Why do people believe in Evolution?
84. What events caused them to become evolutionists?
85. How does a computer chip work?
86. How is a tooth cavity formed?
87. How does Novocain work?
88. How does glue stick?
89. Is posture related to digestion? Greeks lay down to eat, we sit up.
90. Why do we experience a feeling of fear? What makes this in our body?
91. Why do we need to eat?
92. Why do some animals lay eggs and others bear babies alive? Why did God do it this way?
93. Why do people sometimes eat and drink a lot when they are depressed?
94. Why does ocean air seem “fresher” than city or “land” air?
95. Are humans mammals? We thought they were made in God’s image and not related to animals.
96. Does morning, night, or the Sun control how tired we are?
97. Why did God make birds to fly?
98. Were dinosaurs alive at the same time as humans?
99. Does a mare in foal become more ornery than one not?
100.What does an Adam’s apple do on our throat?
101.If there were aliens, why would they visit humans?
102.Why do we have pimples? Did God goof?
103.Where was the Garden of Eden? Is it around today?
104.Why do cats hate dogs and dogs hate cats?
105.What are aliens and are there really any in our world? see Lamentations 5:2, Eph 2:12, Heb 11:34.
106.Can plants affect your growth?
107.How does pencil lead (graphite) stay on paper?
108.Why does our skin wrinkle?
109. Why does earth (dirt) crumble in your hand but is hard when you walk on it?
110. Why does lead melt at a low temperature?
111. Why are clouds white?
112. What is the difference between cold and warm blooded? Why did God do it this way?
113. How can we have hot and cold water in the ocean at the same time?
114. What shape is outer space?
115. If people stayed in caves with no clues to day and night, how long would their daily sleeping and waking times be? Would they set a 24 hour day? If not, what keeps us on schedule?

Christian Bale freaks out on set, so of course someone remixes it into a song! I llllove Internet.

Gonna link you to my review of Andre Agassi Tennis as well. Just ’cause.

With the strike over and the buses slowly being put back on the roads to resume their less-than-stellar service, I can finally resume my ridership on the ornery stinkhorse that is OC Transpo.

I’ve been taking the bus since I was 16 or so, which means I’ve been using our public transportation for a potentially embarrassing 12 years. In this time, I’ve watched as the price of the service grew inverse to the quality of service. It’s really quite fascinating! I remember when the buses would arrive on schedule, and sometimes even stopped for their potential riders to embark! These were the halcyon days, when the drivers would look at you and your bus pass didn’t cost more than constructing a personal hand-glider system that would allow you to survey the city from on high, waiting for crime to rear its terrible head.

But whatever! After striking for 52 days during the coldest winter in hyperbole years, OC Transpo is now back on the snowy streets of Ottawa (in a limited way) much to the delight of their mostly frozen and dead patrons. I know I’ve still got some crumpled bus tickets sitting in my wallet, just waiting to be thrown into a metal box with a nod and a smile to an emotionless driver who stares straight ahead at the road, trying to avoid acknowledging anyone or anything outside of the miserable route they’ll be circling for the next 7 hours like a heroin-addicted rat in a science maze. When they get home, they can relax by putting a pillowcase over a child’s head and beating that child with a bag of Valencia oranges that they were able to purchase on their ridiculously generous salary.

This is how OC Transpo drivers make orange juice and why it always tastes a little like the tears of a child.

I <3 you OC Transpo, welcome back.

In other “news,” I reviewed Disney’s Aladdin for the SNES:

READ IT HERE

…I review Aerobiz Supersonic!

Additionally there was some inauguration or something.