Aborting Sarah Connor

Stupid No Comments »

11:07 <scoff> If I was Skynet I would have just punched Sarah Connor in the
stomach
11:08 <scoff> Like, forget trying to kill her
11:08 <scoff> Just send a robot who can punch hard once
11:13 <matthewdoucette> a big fist with legs
11:13 <scoff> Maybe it also smokes
11:13 <scoff> You know, so if the punches miss you could do some secondhand
smoke damage
11:14 <matthewdoucette> it will try to encourage sarah connor to have a few
glasses of wine
11:14 <scoff> hahaha
11:14 <scoff> “I’ve…read…studies…that show…the baby…is…safe.”
11:14 <scoff> *pushes bottle across table*

Rogers Sucks, Apple Does Not

Stupid, Tech No Comments »

I hate Rogers with a passion, and I’m beginning to understand why so many people drink so much Apple-flavoured Kool-aid.

My iPhone—the sole reason for renewing my contract with Rogers in September 2008—recently developed a little bit of a “turning off randomly and then not turning on until plugged into USB” problem. Possessing a phone that randomly shuts off and then is unresponsive unless you have a computer next to you is a little bit of a liability. It was doing it more and more frequently, so I decided to contact Rogers.

I was, of course, two whole months out of warranty. Rogers offered me some amazing options: I could “upgrade” (why did they keep saying that?) to a voice phone, but not a smartphone, OR—and this is really my favourite part—I could buy a refurb 8gb 3G model for only $440. Considering I have a 16gb 3G, the prospect of paying $440 for a used phone worse than the one I already had wasn’t the most appealing deal.

Those were my options. My only options. No matter which way I phrased it (including me literally saying “I will throw however much money is necessary at this”), Rogers adamantly refused to give or sell me a new iPhone. According to them, there was just no way. They also enjoyed explaining to me the way new contracts subsidize the cost of the iPhone, so new customers take priority. Thanks! Does outright paying for a new phone not “subsidize” it? Maybe I just don’t get how economics work.

Frustrated, sad and full of murderous rage, I decided to stop in at the Apple store to see if they could exchange a new iPhone for my money. Holding out hope that maybe an Apple Genius could fix my phone where all my previous attempts had failed (firmware update, restore, erased all content, etc., etc.), I made an appointment at the Genius Bar.

My Genius had a somewhat alarming upper-lip half-mustache, but he was personable and helpful and GAVE ME A NEW GODDAMN PHONE FOR NOTHING. That’s right: he looked at my phone, asked what I’d done to try and fix it, agreed that it was broken, and then swapped out a brand new 16gb 3G for me. I didn’t ask, he just did it.

Let’s recap: I spent over an hour dealing fruitlessly with Rogers who refused to even sell me a new phone since I wasn’t virginal enough for their perverse desires, and Apple almost immediately gave me a new phone for nothing. They didn’t even want coffee first.

In conclusion, based on my anecdotal evidence, Apple is in love with me and Rogers wants to cover me in garbage and murder my family.

Mac Mini + Plex HTPC Part 2: Baking a Pretty Cake

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Nothing is ever easy (except all your female relatives).

I had no problems unboxing all my shiny new toys since I don’t work for TUAW, but once everything was all plugged in and set up, some trouble started.

First, even though it has nothing to do with my HTPC project, I purchased a MAGIC MOUSE (love MAGIC). Pairing the mouse with my Macbook over Bluetooth was a snap, but none of the multitouch functions worked. I could click things, but no scrolling or gestures. After installing the latest update to the MAGIC MOUSE firmware, I tried again. Nada. Reboot! Nope. As it turns out, some googlin’ led me to the conclusion that I had to uninstall USB Overdrive, so I did. Success! I really like the MAGIC MOUSE. It might not be your bag, but I don’t care since I’m not letting you use my computer anyway.

Second, Plex is giving me some problems. I’m waiting for some cables to hook up my LCD tv to mipple, so I’m currently running the Mini headless. After initially installing a number of things with a monitor connected, I exiled mipple to its new home in my ENTERTAINMENT CENTRE. As I’ve discovered, Plex needs a monitor connected in order to run, since without a monitor, the Mac Mini neglects to enable OpenGL, which Plex uses to draw its display. There’s probably a workaround for this, but I prefer my “wait for the cables to get here” method of problem-solving.

Two Mac Minis caught on film, mid-coitus.

Two Mac Minis caught on film, mid-coitus.

Over the course of several hours I dumped all of my media (home movies, open source documentaries about how the RIAA is such a great organization) onto the 1TB external, which I’ve dubbed “DEPOT,” because it’s a DEPOT for all of my shit. I have approximately 38 days of continual music (recordings of me singing in the shower, open source songs about royalties) that I can now access from any computer running iTunes on my local network! Fun. The drive has ~580GB left. I’m halfway tempted to host a tiny streaming radio station since I have a copy of Nicecast lying around anyway, but I don’t know if anyone would ever tune in.

So many possibilities for this little box, so little motivation to continue writing about it!

Mac Mini + Plex HTPC Part 1: The Ingredients

Synergism!, Tech No Comments »

I didn’t buy the Mac Mini yesterday. Traffic was all backed up so I went home and ate fish instead. Today, however, I combined my lunch break with buying the little machine in a delicious commerce sandwich (I also bought a sandwich). Here’s some “deets” for you kids:

Mac Mini (specs nicely copied and pasted from Apple’s site):
* 2.26GHz Intel Core 2 Duo
* 2GB memory
* 160GB hard drive
* 8x double-layer SuperDrive
* NVIDIA GeForce 9400M graphics
* Mac OS X Snow Leopard

I bought the lower-end Mini for two reasons:

1) I don’t feel like spending a lot of money since I don’t have a lot of it.
2) It’s primarily acting as a media server and the next step up is a bit of overkill for the task. (Plus I don’t consider the upgrade worth the price, thanks to Apple’s crazy memory tax.)

I also picked up a 1TB My Book Studio External Firewire/USB drive for storage, and a Magic Mouse since I love MAGIC! All told this came to a bit over $1000, which I will likely have to pay back by whoring myself out. I work cheap and dirty. Contact me for details.

The main function of this new personal server/HTPC, which I shall be naming “mipple,” is to suck down media from the Internet and feed it to my television so that I might never leave my house again. Here’s what I plan on installing:

Plex: I haven’t had more than a few minutes of futzing around with this fork of XBMC, but from what I’ve been able to tell it’s both intuitive and pretty slick, and I look forward to watching things on it.

SABnzbd: A free newsreader that when combined with a decent usenet indexing site is akin to having media-based superpowers. I have an indexing site that I love, but since it’s invite-only and sharing means it becomes more likely it’ll get taken down someday, I’ll keep that bit to myself.

Irssi: I’m not sure if I’ll be sticking with my old PPC Mini (the venerable zatomic) to provide my SSH-tunneling and IRC goodness, but even so I’ll likely be throwing Irssi into the mix on the new machine just in case. I love Irssi.

I’m also going to need some kind of torrenting solution for when I can’t find what I’m looking for on usenet. In the past I’ve used torrentflux-b4rt, but I’ve been reading good things about rtorrent, so maybe I’ll try that instead. Who knows? Low priority since I still have my other server for torrenting if I need it.

With the RSS scheduling properties of SABnzbd and the many add-ons and flexibility of Plex, little mipple will be a cool, quiet, low-power source of hours and hours of entertainment in the coming winter months. I’ll be able to flip on my television to find all my favourite media (uh, linux ISOs and other dumb open source material) waiting to be watched!

I’m eager to get started.

Mac Mini + Plex + MISC. = ???

Tech No Comments »

Hello to all of you who don’t read this! Since I am still paying for hosting and a domain name, I figured I’d write up a little report here of my experiments in putting together a new HTPC/home server. I’m about to leave my office and buy a new low-end Mac Mini for this use (with money I don’t really have, but pfft!) and will later update this blog with my process, troubles, and hopefully MASSIVE SUCCESS.

Stay tuned, no one!

I’d Look at You More if You Had a Mirror For a Face

Synergism! No Comments »

Sometimes I’m giving one of my highly regarded business-oriented motivational synergistic super-spectacles and even as I’m energetically running across the stage and yelling SLOGANS FOR SUCCESS, I start to wonder: why?

Why am I wasting my valuable time sharing—at such a ridiculously low price—all of this amazing wisdom and knowledge about how to succeed and influence people and be one of the ELITE RULING CLASS? Most of you don’t deserve it: the only reason you’re here is because your company thought it would somehow behoove you to become less of a loser; they left this nearly insurmountable task in my carefully manicured and incredibly deft hands. I’m supposed to take you, an ugly and lumpy pile of blotchy clay, and somehow transform you into a sparkling and prosperous diamond. This is hard because clay never changes into diamonds so I basically have to be a goddamn self-improvement wizard. Luckily for you, that’s exactly what I am.

Forget about the fact that your company pays three times your annual salary for one of my hour-long seminars. Never mind that the suit I’m wearing as I yell in your face is worth more than your car plus another three thousand dollars probably. Try to ignore the idea that I’ve slept with more women than you’ve ever spoken with. This paragraph doesn’t have a point aside from the fact that I’m awesome.

When I’m dishing out all this wonderful advice, the crowd usually blends into a big sea of cattle with big stupid unblinking eyes and a quiet despair. By treating you like livestock/numbers, I can more efficiently dictate the principles of Synergism! because I can focus on what’s really important: what I’m doing for dinner. Will I go to the most expensive restaurant in town, or go slumming and hit up the second most expensive restaurant? You’ve probably never heard of either of them so I’m not even mentioning their names—you’ll get turned away at the door and I don’t want you to feel any worse than you already do. There’s already enough blood on my hands (although that has more to do with deflowering all those virgin supermodels).

If you’ve read this far, congratulations! You’re canny enough to realize the difference between random Internet ramblings and solid and provable wisdom. You still might not understand the point of this post however, so I’ll spell it out for you: in order to be the best, you have to be better than everyone else. If you’re lucky, you live in a city I’ll never visit.

Should you want me, I might be unavailable for a little while: I’m thinking about going into space to hang out with some astronauts.

Writer’s Blockhead

Stupid 1 Comment »

I’ve recently been in a creative lull. Unless you count my stupid and frequent tweets or my rambling posts over at Every Game Ever, I’m basically not writing anymore, which is worrying me. Curiously, I often find my motivations—or lack thereof, in this case—hard to understand. I’m a fairly introspective person, but occasionally it appears that there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to “give up the goods,” such as it is, and let me know what’s going on. Read that again: apparently I don’t want to tell me what I’m thinking. What a jerk!

On the plus side, I actually bothered using proper em dashes for this post, so there’s that I guess! I’ll try to do that from now on—but I make no promises. Not even to myself, since I’m not listening to me anyway.

In other “news,” I’ve been editing segments for another episode of Random Gentlemen, but it’s taking a while since we’re not very funny and I have to listen to Gavin ramble about home ownership for about 20 minutes. MORE LIKE FIXED RATE BORING, GAVIN! (Don’t worry, Gavin never reads this because he’s too busy drafting copies of rules systems for various nerd games and screaming at the ignorant children.)

I bet my lack of creative output will only worsen as the weather improves and I’m outside kicking sand in people’s faces. Which way to the beach? *flexes muscles*

Backs Against the Well

Stupid No Comments »

I wrote a short story on Twitter and figured I’d repost it here.

The canyon walls echoed the rhythmic beat of hooves and the red ground rumbled. Birds, cowards of the sky, jumped to yellow-bellied flight.

Kilroy Hunter and James Seiker rode quick past the canyon into the lonely town of Jumper’s Creek. There was no creek, only dust. And death.

These men hunted for bounty and danger (and whiskey). Where they walked, bullets fell. Dismounted, empty streets pattered with horse sweat.

Like fallen scarecrows with pecked faces, bodies littered the streets. Black holes in white bone. “Happened here?” asked Hunter, spitting.

Seiker pointed a muddy glove to the centre of town. Old stone well crumbling in the noonday sun. “Well poisoned,” he said with a grimace.

“I know they’re well poisoned ya idjit,” said Hunter. “But how?” He ambled to the well and began to draw up the dripping bucket. “Parched.”

Bucket went spinning to the ground as pistol holstered. “Well’s poisoned,” said Seiker. “There ain’t no else dumb ‘nough to be my partner.”

“None ugly ‘nough to be mine,” said Hunter, smiling yellow and gold. “Let’s look about and see if we can’t find a neck for justice.”

They walked and something chewed on Hunter’s mind. Well water. Dust. The sun was too hot and constant for thinking clear. He needed water.

Seiker unfurled a poster that said “Wanted Dead or Alive: Crimes McCarthy.” “Name like that,” said Seiker, “Who can blame him? McCarthy!”

A dull thud and a whinny behind them. Seiker’s horse had dropped to the dust and lay still. “Weak beast,” spat Seiker. “No mind, let’s go.”

They stalked the streets, trying to match a face to a poster. Crows had been feasting for at least a few hours. It was grisly work. Hot sun.

Saloon doors swung inward to the music of buzzing flies. “There, by the piano player,” said Hunter, his dusty gloved finger straight out.

In that room full of corpses they found Crimes McCarthy. Dead of poison like the rest. Seiker brushed caked mud from his gloves and lifted.

As Seiker dragged McCarthy across the floor, a shot cracked into his spine and he crashed screaming. “Why’dja do it, Seiker?” asked Hunter.

“Bastard!” yelled Seiker, writhing. “Hunter, ya shot me! Why?” Hunter lit a cigar and glanced about. “Killed all these people, that’s why.”

“Your muddy gloves. Horse is dead tired. Ya rode here in the night and poisoned the well and now everyone’s dead. When ya go loco, Seiker?”

“I ain’t never gone no way, Hunter,” Seiker said, gasping for air. “I always been this way and you just too shit-stupid to notice. Always..”

Three men on one horse, two dead, one tired and sad. Jumper’s Creek a ghost town ruled by crows. Bullets scattered on the ground.

THE END.

Random Gentlemen Episode 2.5

Random Gentlemen No Comments »

For some reason Gavin insisted this wasn’t episode 3 because it “wasn’t funny enough,” but then where would we be? Without a podcast, that’s where. So now, it’s episode 2.5. Like it makes a difference, Gavin. Like it makes a difference.

Random Gentlemen Episode 2

Random Gentlemen No Comments »

It’s been far too long since we’ve polluted the Internet with our podcast waste, but it’s that time again! Look for episode 3 as soon as next week. Today’s episode is entitled “THE SCORE” and is full of harebrained ideas and demagoguery.

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